Well, I’ve been here in Tokyo a week, and have yet to go sing karaoke. As it is, I’ve been back and forth between Japan, Korea, and China for 20 years now, and I’ve only been to karaoke 3 times. Here’s how it usually goes down: someone in the office [misguidedly] decides that Karaoke is a good idea, and books a room (a.k.a. “karaoke box”, and no that’s not a euphemism– get your mind out of the gutter). We all go, start drinking, and start singing. In general, it’s an okay time, if only because the office is buying all the whiskey sours you can drink and savoury snacks you can munch. Unfortunately, not all of us humans can sing, and even less of us can perform. But the kicker is: are you sure you want to perform in front of people you want to take you seriously in a meeting the next morning?

Karaoke Do’s:

1. Drink. Drink a lot. Don’t drink so much that you pass out, because your co-workers will draw things on your forehead.
2. Sing Japanese enka ballads. To be honest, they are the only songs that sound half-decent in karaoke.
3. That’s about it.

Karaoke Don’ts:

1. Don’t sing heavy metal rock songs. You’re not David Lee Roth, nor are you Steven Tyler. Even if Diamond Dave were to show up in your karaoke box (again, no euphemism), are you sure you’d want to hear him singing ‘Jump’ to a pre-recorded half-assed track 4 feet in front of you ?
2. If you’re a gaijin, and don’t understand Japanese/Korean, you’ll likely find your friends shoving the Elvis Presley or Beatles or Animals onto your lap. Resist this urge, unless you want to make everyone depressed. House of the Rising Sun is a kick-ass song, but only because that singer takes it that seriously and pulls if off, and that organ solo is the greatest organ solo of all time.
3. Don’t just sit there and thumb through the catalog looking for the next track. This is the most common death of karaoke night: 6 people with their noses buried in the song catalog, fearing what to sing when their turn comes around, and simultaneously embarrassed to make eye contact with the schnook up in front of the room belting out an off-pitch Madonna track.
4. Don’t stay for more than 90 minutes. You should be good and loaded by then, to the point where you’re willing to sing on the train with no backing music required. Why pay the room fee at that point?
5. Beware of the whiskey goggles. These are people you work with, and it doesn’t matter how much she seems to look like Gwen Stefani up there with the Mic– you’ll regret it later. Remember there are not enough people here to hide your flirting, like you did at that one Christmas Party.
6. When someone invariably passes out, don’t try to help. You’re blotto yourself, and you’ll just cause more trouble.  Just amuse yourself quietly by drawing on their foreheads and wait for the paramedics.

So, there ya go.